It was quite some time ago, not too long after my mother passed away, that someone told me grief was an ongoing process. It comes in waves, they told me. At first, it feels like this insurmountable storm. The pain is so overwhelming, and you feel so hollow inside, that you can’t possibly remember what “normal” feels like. And then, some days you feel fine. You forget that there’s a piece of your heart that you buried one grey day in April, in a cemetery in North York. Then the days, months, and years pass, and gradually, ever so slowly – the good days start to overtake the bad ones, until the bad days are far and few in between, and normal starts to look different, but you’ve found yourself again.
Even so, the bad days always seem to resurface. It comes when I’m struggling – when I’m flailing in the dark, and I don’t know who to turn to. It’s a reminder of how alone I feel in the world, when you lose the feeling of having someone that loves you unconditionally, with no complications… because my life right now – it feels like it’s so deeply entangled in complications.
You see, I have a confession to make. I’m in love with B. I’m deeply and irrevocably in love with him, but he wasn’t mine to love. Why? Because, B is married, and I had no business falling in love with him, and he had no business falling in love with me, but… we did. We had each fought it for so long, but before we knew it, we were in too deep. And whether or not we wish we could take it back (I don’t), we are where we are, and his wife found out about us.
I’m scared. I’m absolutely terrified, because B is now confronted with having to make that choice between myself and his wife. I’m afraid because I can see how deeply unhappy she makes him – how manipulative and mistrusting she is. I’m afraid of the choice that he’ll make, without any regard for his own happiness. I’m afraid because they have 29 years of history, and I don’t know how he could possibly choose me, even when he admits that he is unhappy with her. I’m afraid because he doesn’t feel that he deserves happiness right now. I’m afraid because he’s the most amazing person that I’ve ever met, and I really believe that he deserves happiness.
I’m afraid because I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. The loneliness that I feel when he isn’t around, is so overwhelming. He’s the love of my life, and without him, my day feels empty.
I would do anything to keep him with me… but more than that, I would do anything for him to be happy. He’s everything that I’ve ever wanted, and I would give up my own happiness if he really felt that going back was the right thing for him. The thought is agonizing to me. I sobbed in his arms last weekend at the thought of it.
We made so many promises to each other. Like how we would never hurt each other. How we would always be honest with each other. How we would see the world together, with my hand in his. How we would always be together, no matter what.
It was foolish. It was naive. But we were so in love, and all we could think about, was being together.
I can already feel his fingers slipping out from between mine. And for me, it marks a return to that feeling of flailing about in the darkness, with nothing to hold onto.
He told me last weekend, that he thought he should be trying to patch things back up with his wife. But he was so afraid.
“I don’t know if there is anything to patch up, but I’ve set a lot of people up to get hurt here. I don’t know what the future looks like with her, or with you. I don’t know what life looks like without you. You’re the love of my life, and I don’t know if I could ever be happy again. But I don’t know if I deserve that. I’m so scared.”
It’s a little odd, because in all of this, it kind of makes me miss my Mom again. It’s not that I could ever talk to her about it. But it’s almost like it feels like I’m grieving all over again, because it feels like I’m losing another person that loves me unconditionally. I can feel the waves crashing against me, once again.